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—by David Ho
As I journeyed back to Silicon Mountain, I noticed that the road there
was rougher than before. In the past, I could simply teleport to the
fantastic land of Silicon Mountain, but this time, the going was rough.
Almost right away, I met an opponent with a silly looking sidekick who
was trying to bar my path. They weren't very frightening. And they
didn't carry any weapons. He wasn't a very big guy, and his sidekick
was even punier than he, but it did seem that they would not let me
pass.
Cried I, "Out of my way, wuss! I've got an unanswerable question to
answer!"
My opponent replied, "You'll have to get by us first!"
Questioned I, "Who are you? And who do you think you are trying to
block my path to Silicon Mountain?"
He replied, "I am the mean and miserly Economic Barrier! And this is my
sidekick Dollar2yen Exchange Rate! We will not let you pass to your
precious world to find your answer and fulfill your destiny."
Replied I, "Hah! What stupid names! I'll dispose of you shortly."
I thought I would just walk right past him, but each time I tried, he
put himself between any progress and me. I tried to whack him with my
brief case. It didn't seem to faze him. I tried running around him,
but he seemed to be everywhere. I tried pushing him and shoving him out
of my way, but he was unmovable.
He sneered, "Give up? You cannot overcome me - the Economic Barrier!"
"Or me! Dollar2Yen Exchange Rate!" piqued his pathetic sidekick.
The really frustrating part was that it seemed like he didn't even have
to put up a fight! He seemed to block me every way I turned. Each time
I tried to make progress, he was there blocking my way. I couldn't run
around him and I couldn't outsmart him. Punching him didn't do
anything! He just absorbed the blows. He wasn't a very scary guy, but
he was very effective at preventing me from passing.
After fighting these two idiots for a bit, I left them alone for a while
to sit down and think. As I sat, I watched them. It seemed to me that
whenever they weren't fighting with me, they were busy counting their
money. Their whole conversation went something like this.
Dollar2Yen Exchange Rate: "How much do we have? How much do we have?"
Economic Barrier: "Not enough! We don't have enough! This is all your
fault!"
Then, I had an idea. I thought that maybe if I gave them gobs and gobs
of money, they'd be too busy counting it to notice me and I could get
past them.
I tried it.
Said I, "Hey you two goons! Seems like all you care about is your dumb
money! Well, here's a heap of it! Come and get it!"
And like starving rats, they pounced on the pile of money I left for
them and sure enough, they were so busy counting all that money that I
was able to slip past them and continue on my way.
* * *
After overcoming the Economic Barrier and his annoying sidekick
Dollar2Yen Exchange Rate with gobs and gobs of money, the road ahead
became quite smooth. In fact, you could say I was just gliding along.
I felt empowered. Amazing, I thought, what a wonderful thing this
"money" is. It seems to be more powerful than a cannon when it comes to
opening doors and removing obstacles.
But, as I was happily speeding along, I didn't notice a rather heavy set
uniformed patrol officer laying in wait for me. By the time I saw him,
it was already too late. He pulled me over to the side of my stream of
thought and approached me.
I was completely dumbfounded, waiting for the uniformed officer to
approach me. What had I done wrong? I felt my palms break out in
sweat. Just before he got to me, I wondered to myself, "Gee. I don't
ever remember patrol officers on this stretch of road."
Finally he approached me. The first things I noticed were his rotund
stature, disheveled hair and unkempt appearance, which I presumed was
the effect of government belt-tightening resulting in officers who can
no longer afford healthy meals, new uniforms or gel for their hair.
I figured I should at least try to disguise my annoyance from having my
progress impeded.
Innocently asked I, "Hello officer. Did I do anything wrong?"
Said the unkempt officer, "May I see your license?"
Replied I, "I'm on my way to Silicon Mountain, which exists only in my
imagination! Since when did I need a license to dream big dreams and
think free thoughts?"
Said the disheveled one, "You don't. But are you creating, translating
or otherwise trying to transport anime into the US?"
Replied I, "Yes, of course I'm trying to bring anime to the US."
Exhorted the slob, "Then you must have a license!"
Realizing that I wasn't going to win this argument, I handed over my
driver's license.
Exclaimed the tub of lard, "No! I don't want to see your
driver's license! I need to see your Language license!"
Bewildered and frustrated, I queried, "What is a Language
license? And why do I need one?! And who are you anyway? I don't ever
remember voting for the formation of any 'language police' last
November."
Replied the officer, "You don't have a Language license? That's too
bad. I'll have to cite you for illegal transportation of anime. You
can tell it to the judge in court."
And with that, he wrote me a citation and stopped me dead in my tracks!
The only thing to do now, was to see the judge.
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